Monday, November 5, 2012

Flu Season is here and I've found a War Worth Fighting

I used to think that I was a pacifist. I've given speeches and wrote poems about the travesties and casualties of war. I've cried while thinking of martyred pacifists like John Lennon and Mahatma Gandhi. I've held signs decrying gas tanks filled with blood and screamed 'Peace' while marching with protestors in the streets.

No More. I'm no longer a pacifist. This does not mean that I support the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Nor do I think we should go to war with Iran or Syria, or anywhere else targeted by the military industrial complex. Quite the contrary, I do not support the Vietnam War, any imperialist war, or even the war on drugs. Bluntly spoken, I think all of these wars are the result of greedy weapons makers hustling ignorant and aggressive do-gooders into fighting each other.

However, I do support meaningful war. In fact, I'm writing this article from within a war-zone. Fore some kind of bacteria or virus, some kind of invading enemy is wreaking havoc on my body- runny nose, fever, sore throat, aching muscles, fatigue, war is hell.

But do not despair my comrades. For this is a war I am intent on winning. In fact, I have been making significant gains to restore health and order to the holy land I live in. And in case you get bombarded with symptoms of a similar sickness. I want to share my strategies for survival so that we may both be victorious over these enemy invaders.

First off: secure the perimeters and contain the enemy. Stay inside, we don't want to encourage enemy advances by sneeze spreading them through our collective territory. Also cleanse your hands of the enemy in hot soapy water. Next in order: Recruit and support the troops. Vitamin C will act as a vehicle for propaganda encouraging the production of white blood cell soldiers. Once we have recruited the troops, we need to hype them into a frenzy. Zinc will do this as studies have shown that zinc increases white blood cell production and encourages the cells to fight more aggressively. Now, it is time to deploy one of our secret weapons: Vitamin E, which enhances the production of B-Cells, the immune cells that produce antibodies that destroy bacteria. Finally we need to maximize the amount of energy that the bacteria fighting white blood cells have, go to bed. Sleep. Rest.

Okay so you can't sleep. Your miserable-It feels like the enemy has got you by the throat and has stuffed your nose with snot. Gargle some salt water to combat the enemy in the throat. The salt water via osmosis will dehydrate the bacteria causing the throat swelling to diminish. Highly acidic drinks such as apple cider vinegar and lemon juice will also be hostile to bacteria in the throat. Now to de-snot the sinuses, stand over a pot of boiling water, throw some lavender and cloves into the water, these are decongestants. Then burn out the enemy with cayenne pepper and drop some garlic bombs on those parasitic party-poopers. It hurts, I know. Make the pain feel good. Imagine the enemies burning to death. To calm the fires in your mouth, pour some honey into your throat. You deserve some sweetness. Plus, honey is anti-bacterial and great for soothing sore throats.

While you have the honey out. Why not make some tea? Steep echinacea, ginger, cinnamon stick, chamomile and thyme for 15 minutes. Then add some lemon and honey. The echinecea is heavy artillery as the ginger soothes the pain and the cinnamon fortifies the immune system. Try sleeping again, this time elevate your head to reduce pressure on your sinuses. Remember, rest is best.

IF YOU STILL CAN'T SLEEP, TRY MAKING LOVE. Yes, that's right, get your 'hippie' on and 'make love, not war.' Studies have shown that men and women who make love at least once a week have higher levels of immune-system molecules called immunoglobulin A, which wall off mucous membranes from invaders-than celibate individuals. As an added benefit, the sweet friction of physical exertion may cause enough fatigue for you to finally sleep.

And if you must fight dirty and use cough syrup, as they say, 'all is fair in love and war'.
Get some rest and then make a big batch of homemade chicken noodle soup to pave the road to recovery. Most importantly, do not lose faith, one day Peace Shall Come.

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