I used to think that I was a pacifist. I've given speeches and wrote poems about the travesties and casualties of war. I've cried while thinking of martyred pacifists like John Lennon and Mahatma Gandhi. I've held signs decrying gas tanks filled with blood and screamed 'Peace' while marching with protestors in the streets.
No More. I'm no longer a pacifist. This
does not mean that I support the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Nor do I think we should go to war with Iran or Syria, or anywhere else targeted by the military industrial complex. Quite
the contrary, I do not support the Vietnam War, any imperialist war,
or even the war on drugs. Bluntly spoken, I think all of these wars
are the result of greedy weapons makers hustling ignorant and
aggressive do-gooders into fighting each other.
However, I do support meaningful
war. In fact, I'm writing this article from within a war-zone. Fore
some kind of bacteria or virus, some kind of invading enemy is
wreaking havoc on my body- runny nose, fever, sore throat, aching
muscles, fatigue, war is hell.
But do not despair my comrades. For
this is a war I am intent on winning. In fact, I have been making
significant gains to restore health and order to the holy land I live
in. And in case you get bombarded with symptoms of a similar
sickness. I want to share my strategies for survival so that we may
both be victorious over these enemy invaders.
First off: secure the perimeters and
contain the enemy. Stay inside, we don't want to encourage enemy
advances by sneeze spreading them through our collective territory.
Also cleanse your hands of the enemy in hot soapy water. Next in
order: Recruit and support the troops. Vitamin C will act as a
vehicle for propaganda encouraging the production of white blood cell
soldiers. Once we have recruited the troops, we need to hype them
into a frenzy. Zinc will do this as studies have shown that zinc
increases white blood cell production and encourages the cells to
fight more aggressively. Now, it is time to deploy one of our secret
weapons: Vitamin E, which enhances the production of B-Cells, the
immune cells that produce antibodies that destroy bacteria. Finally
we need to maximize the amount of energy that the bacteria fighting
white blood cells have, go to bed. Sleep. Rest.
Okay so you can't sleep. Your
miserable-It feels like the enemy has got you by the throat and has
stuffed your nose with snot. Gargle some salt water to combat the
enemy in the throat. The salt water via osmosis will dehydrate the
bacteria causing the throat swelling to diminish. Highly acidic
drinks such as apple cider vinegar and lemon juice will also be
hostile to bacteria in the throat. Now to de-snot the sinuses, stand
over a pot of boiling water, throw some lavender and cloves into the
water, these are decongestants. Then burn out the enemy with cayenne
pepper and drop some garlic bombs on those parasitic party-poopers.
It hurts, I know. Make the pain feel good. Imagine the enemies
burning to death. To calm the fires in your mouth, pour some honey
into your throat. You deserve some sweetness. Plus, honey is
anti-bacterial and great for soothing sore throats.
While you have the honey out. Why not
make some tea? Steep echinacea, ginger, cinnamon stick, chamomile and
thyme for 15 minutes. Then add some lemon and honey. The echinecea is
heavy artillery as the ginger soothes the pain and the cinnamon
fortifies the immune system. Try sleeping again, this time elevate
your head to reduce pressure on your sinuses. Remember, rest is best.
IF YOU STILL CAN'T SLEEP, TRY MAKING
LOVE. Yes, that's right, get your 'hippie' on and 'make love, not
war.' Studies have shown that men and women who make love at least
once a week have higher levels of immune-system molecules called
immunoglobulin A, which wall off mucous membranes from invaders-than
celibate individuals. As an added benefit, the sweet friction of
physical exertion may cause enough fatigue for you to finally sleep.
And if you must fight dirty and use
cough syrup, as they say, 'all is fair in love and war'.
Get some rest and then make a big batch
of homemade chicken noodle soup to pave the road to recovery. Most
importantly, do not lose faith, one day Peace Shall Come.
